PersonalHealing4You presents: My Life...My...Journey...ENTRY PREMIER UNO

~ The feeling remains that God is on the journey, too. ~

   Teresa Of Avila

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQEHV32WXGc (PLEASE CLICK AND LISTEN TO AS YOU READ)

It's time......that's where I'm at and in sharing with others such as family and close ones... I realized this is a start and apart of my journey... not just learn; grow; heal.... from life experiences but to share.. it's through our sharing not only are we heard but never forgotten....so now it's time... time to share in the best way I know how in my own and true words... my style.. no one else's... cause it's my story... my life... my journey as it continues....so here we goo.....

As my premier and first entry.. one would think why not start at the beginning "from the top" but... as you'll see I'm NON conventionalist and as I become inspire like a gift I love... (not just want to) but genuinely LOVE to pass it on.

....I dedicate this first entry not only my Creator but to the two little loves He blessed me and entrusted in my care... my darling Angel and Tobi my babies (my two orange tabbys); therapy and loves.

'....IN YOUR DEEPEST MOMENTS.....KNOW THIS...'

If ever you question things like "why me?" or "will it ever end?" KNOW THIS.... "it's you because it's YOU... and IT WILL END.....if you let it end.... what I am referring to you ask?

Domestic abuse... some call it a "bad marriage" and series of "bad relationships" leading to one really tramtic experience you pray never to live through in your natural life.  You think.. "God just let me see something even if it's the light at the end of the tunnel... just give me something to hold on to..." and there she was one day just showed up on my door step and hasn't left since... my beautiful guardian little Angel and not to far behind to remind me to laugh play and dance and enjoy life Sir Tobi (which actually means Mr: Wonderful in Ibo).  Not to discount the humans of course which I was extremely blessed with who taught me; held my hand and tired in their own ways as best they could to walk me through the trenches but... in all honesty My Creator knew best what I needed and he sure did provide.

Here's the summary in short as the best way I can put it as to what exactly I'm talking about with all my  whimsical and Romanticized language. I was in a very turmoilous and devastating marriage... thankfully that last only nine months.. but those nine months felt literary like five years.  If you have ever been in that type of relationship you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. At best I can describe it is... being  in a tornado... and praying for the calm to come which it doesn't and being afraid the devastation is only grown worse.... YES... that's the how I felt and felt and felt.. ever second by second... minute by minute.....hour by hour day by day... and week by week and month by month.... you want to scream out tell someone but the shame the embarrassment and guilt all wrapped up by the overwhelming sense of being alone....keeps you in shackles. You start to believe you provoked things. If only you try harder to be good and just "be nice" and make everything "Martha Stewart" nice then things would get easier.. but the fights only gets worse the sense of betrayal and suspicions of infidelity.. feeling at a lost.... and soo worthless leads you to think you know what? "you walked in this you stay and make it work....no matter how much praying and counselling you need to go to..." maybe it IS MY FAULT... but I'm here to tell you IT DOES END... and after years of support groups; counselling; working on myself (and still am)... the denial.. the shame.. the guilt.. the failure .. the feeling of not being heard.. lack of support and validation...all starts to break away.... and from the ashes the Phoenix starts to stir and starts to rise. From it comes NOT RENEWED but A new outlook at yourself... your inner strength.. your coping mechanisms and facing all your nightmares and "monsters" head on knowing that in essence the reflection you start seeing in the mirror you are introduced to for the first time...and you actually start to genuinely like and cherish and want to protect and fight for and truly love.

Through it comes death of your old self (if you can let it die and be buried) and the birth of a new self which still entails similarities to that of a new born...... mind you the work still prevails.. in terms of what you do on yourself for yourself benefiting yourself... cause you DO OWE IT TO YOURSELF.... cause at the end of it all you have to FACE not just the one that created you... but you must be able to  face yourself. Just stand there and look and remember let the pain in cause only through that after you've survived the horror.. can you only stop "numbing" yourself and heal. The numbing is a facade... one that continues in an even more vicious cycle which prolongs the healing to even begin. So KNOW THIS....DON''T BLAME YOURSELF; DON'T FORGET YOURSELF.. who will speak out for you? and scream out for you? if you won't.... even try to.... most importantly... LEARN TO FORGIVE YOURSELF.... forgive your inner child.. forgive your inner teen.. forgive your inner young adult and forgive your inner woman/man. She/He needs you more than you think.....she's/He's the one you need to do this for... she's/he's the one that needs saving she's/he's the one you think is soo weak when infact you are soo far from it. 

Most people say the pharse "looking back.. I..." I try not to say "looking back..." but reflecting now on what I've experienced...I can say that I feel soo blessed and greatful to be able to hunger and thirst for life again... to want to live and not exist or curl up and give up and just let whatever happen happen...including leaving earth. I truly can say that the struggle continues with new challenges and new "monsters" that want to creep out the closet. But with better tools and better support and love.. you learn... you really do and you truly feel that you've beaten this disease of Domestic Violence and Victimization.....and you realize that the type of fear you had... isn't the healthy fear God gave us to help us survive here in this body here on earth. You are learn how to be more patient with yourself... give yourself more time... encourage yourself.. which in return helps to  communicate your true self to others in an authentic way they WILL appreciate and admire and call "BEAUTIFUL" bellissimo. It's a process.. once you've entered this journey... the point is NOT dwelling on the pain and hurt and letting it cripple you for life... it's healing and learning to walk again.. or you know what amputate those "crippled" legs and get new ones. You are not put here on this beautiful earth to be called a Victim... your name isn't Victim... it's HUMAN.....cherished one... loved one...BEAUTIFUL WHOLE one. 

....KNOW THIS.... take the steps to first get outside the situation.. the relationship.... then ask for help....get surround by those you trust to hold you up.. because you will NEED IT more THAN YOU THINK.....then .....let it bleed.. you've been cut open.. and it has to bleed... it has to bleed so it can grow new cells inside and start to heal.....the pain WILL NOT KILL YOU UNLESS YOU THINK IT WILL.....your Creator.. my Creator.. our Creator sees and knows and hears and is listening. Then when you are ready...get into your head your quiet space once you are ready to face the corners of your mind... sit with your thoughts that are healthy.. and nurturing and real to you... and deafen the thoughts that have lied and deceived you and wants you to give up.

I'm no different and than most... neither are you we all suffer more than we think or give ourselves credit for.  The more we start to gain the right tools to build healthy environments and surroundings for ourseleves... the more we don't even realized we've already reach the other side of that tunnel...

Lastly let me tell you something the worse thing you can allow to happen to yourself or even DO to yourself is

 1. NOT CARE AT ALL ANYMORE AND SAY SCREW THIS

2. ABUSE YOURSELF MORE THAT YOU'VE BEEN ABUSED

3. ISOLATE YOURSELF

4. ALLOW THE NEGATIVE THINKING TO CONSUME YOUR MIND AND DAILY LIFE IN ANOTHER CYCLE.

 YOU HAVE TO BECOME YOUR OWN 'VICTIM' REHAB. YOU HAVE TO TAKE ONE STEP and then another.. and then another.. and don't stop just keeping taking the right steps.... when you need a hand ask.. if you need to stop and catch your breathe.. take it.. if you need a crutch of a cane.. get one... if you need to hold on to the rails do so for dear life.... YOU DO SO and ever think you need an excuse NOT to... Don't you ever think you deserved this.. and you caused this upon yourself.. and if only and if only....

I end with this quote that's kept me through many many dark time which I learnt...."it's not how you start.. but how you finish".. life isn't a race to compete with peers and others.... especially the "facebook" voyeurs... it's really about you... who you really are and getting there for you... cause all the others aren't you. We only have this ONE chance not a "do-over" to "Life Your Best Life"... it's not just a cliche... it's YOUR TEST accept it... OWN.. it learn to LIVE IT.. and then TEACH IT... pass it on... show it... impower it... give it ownership and make the "dead" you .. the lost you proud...because you are doing justice to memory of you that died.. that suffered that was tortured... and beaten into hopelessness.
JUST KNOW THIS.. know this... I made it... I AM HERE... so will you too.... YOU WILL BE HERE....IF YOU really deep down inside want to.
~Selah/ Salam