2 STEPS FROM CRAZY AND 5 STEPS TO HAPPINESS

I dedicate this Blogg to my super-Shero; Loving and Beloved Mother.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), 

I titled this Blogg ' 2 Steps from Crazy... 5 Steps to Happiness' (which came to me the last night and I wrote in my notebook beside me in bed which I keep) because I remembered the bad relations some of the moments I realize that still haunt me.. which I've tried to numb and subdue in my "former state" of being.. and I remembered how sometimes I would say to myself "I'm two steps from going crazy...". Remembering those flashbacks and sitting with them... the bit that my mind can tolerate and that I'm ready for, helped me to see the distance between me then and me now. It's still a daily struggle to choose to "stay sane"; to " love myself" ;"to choose to go forward"; "to choose to change"; "to choose to be happy" "to make healthier choices for my life each day... "it's like sobriety. You don't just look to cope any more you choose to HEAL.. and part of that "rehab" process is letting the flashbacks come and letting the "demons" and memories come and instead of looking to just numb yourself right away and "run for the hills" you just let it sit. I can do that now cause time have past... and I've learnt the alot of tools to help me deal with the anxiety and emotions that comes behind those flashbacks.  Something I don't KNOW I could have done two years ago.


2 Steps from crazy.. I can't believe the situations I was in the multiple... serial relationships I got myself in and would get to that point where I'd feel like I'm "2 steps from crazy". Like I'm here and I don't know how I got here or how to get out carrying all the embarrassment and shame right on my back which felt like it weighed a ton. Then only to fall into another trap.. and having that cycle continue again and again and again. 


You see up until I started Group Support and Group Workshops (which I highly recommend by the way and are free locally within your community) I didn't even know the "term" Healthy Relationships and or Healthy Boundaries mean or even Effective Communication.  


Reflecting back now.....I'm truly at a place I can start to WELCOME being TRULY  Happy. Not HAPPY BECAUSE... there's a difference. Some people are happy because... they have kids.. they have a house.. a job.. or career it's their personal sense of accomplishment that they choose to falsely portray to world.. and then you slowly peel back the layers and see oh.. you hate who you are in your marriage.... you love your kids but wish you didn't have any.. or you miss this or that....but then there are the excuses and pro and cons you weigh to convince yourself you should be greatful which will hopefully lead to happiness. WRONG..... I find that along my own journey.. Happiness is more than we really think it is... it's not an achieved goal.. it's a choice. 


Just as you choose many things from what to eat or wear or do on a daily basis.. you choose Happiness... many times Happiness is that well decorated meal in the center of the table the we choose all the sides hoping that makes us happy and completely pass and brush over the fact that we can just cut into the happiness itself and savory it and enjoy it.






My 2 steps from crazy is to remind me not to let myself makes the choices that will lead me to that point. The chain reaction will lead to the same outcome of those bad decision makings. I am truly greatful to be able to recover and grow and learn from those mistakes from those choices.. and to be able to say.. yes once I was at that state where I felt trap; hopeless; confused; stunned; in denial; scared; and powerless. You know what... I realized.. that it's cause of my history of abuse and neglect with men and not getting the help I needed as a young little abused girl that led me to make those decisions as a young woman.   


What 2 steps.. because I further away from that state of being and closer to my own state of happiness. It may take you to realize you're only 2 steps from crazy when you're probably closer than you think and shouldn't have allowed yourself to get that far... but guess what..... you get to build and work on your 5 steps towards happiness which has a strong more grounded and long term benefits.  


It took me probably more steps to get where I'm at to realize I'm not really that far from my true goals...and realizing I don't need to "be on a quest for happiness" I just need to grab a plate and help myself. 


You see it's not about being a "pleasure chaser" but it's about enjoying true pleasure which comes with when you're just happy. 


In conclusion, I'm happy that my 2 steps away from crazy brought me to a place I can appreciate and grow up and look forward to my 5 steps to happiness.....single and happy. Not having to "have to feel I have to get married.. or have to have one life partner" or even that "I have to have children or live up to anyone's expectations". 


When you look in the mirror you should see just your own reflection... you don't see everyone elses.. you have to know if you're going to be face to face that reflection and that you'll even like what you see.


Here's a link that my cousin told me about which I had heard of and I truly believes it'll help you with that.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KI03lbomsM


http://www.thepassiontest.com/TPT/Home/index.cfm


~Selah/Salam.